“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
I have lived this moment in my mind so many times that I know all the choices I can make to move forward.
Will I take the high road and allow my broken heart to tell you of its disappointment — its pain — while not letting it disturb my inner peace?
Or when faced with the moment, will I choose instead to allow my shattered ego to bring its boiling anger to the surface?
Will I be silent and let you speak?
Or will all the conversations I’ve had with you in my head come spilling out in an unstoppable crescendo of frustration and disbelief?
Will I forgive you?
Or will I tell you that nothing will ever allow me to understand what you did or why you did it?
Even more important — Can you live with what you did?
Did you ever think of me during the time you were away? Did you ever wonder how things could have been different had you not made the choices you made?
Would you have done what you did had I been in your life at the time?
Or was the Universe protecting me by removing you from my life so that we could learn the lessons we were meant to learn?
Will you tell me the truth?
Or will you tiptoe through excuses that justify your actions and prevent you from taking responsibility?
Will our friendship be stronger for us having gone through this?
Or will what happened be too big to ever regain what we thought we could never lose?
I have prayed that when the moment comes to open the lines of communication between us, that I will take the high road.
That moment has come.
Today I will find out if the poison will kill me while the rat sits by and laughs, or if the love I’ve always had for you be the antidote that renders the poison harmless.
You’ve been reaching out to me. Today I will reach back.